2019 has not been a good year for the country or for the wider world. It has been a year when I have wanted to stay close to my fellow spirits in the sex blogging family. It has been a year when I have learned to love my body, when I have found a sister, two actually, and when I have gained a clearer view of why I blog and what my writing means to me.
In March I attended Eroticon and had the conversations that led to me finding my sisters. I have known Exposing 40 since our initial meeting in a Bristol restaurant in 2016 and have admired her work. Yet we had never had more than very brief conversations. So it was with a little trepidation that I asked her whether he would do a photoshoot with me. A couple of months later we agreed a date and it was on Sunday 28th July that I knocked on the door of her South London flat. I had a leopard print dress packed, some fetishwear and a flogger, packed as an accoutrement rather than for play. E40 must have taken nearly 200 pictures, which, after editing and discarding, became 42 beautiful images. I cried with happiness when I saw them. For I had never really thought of my body as beautiful. And what I loved was the queerness of it all. It was wonderful that others thought so too. I had the confidence to do a couple of genital shots, a bog stumbling block for me for obvious reasons, and E40 posted one of these on her blog. I was overwhelmed by the positive reaction and the comment that this was an “enticing symphony of queerness” will live with me for ever. I think that, for me, genderqueer femme is a better fit for me than transgender woman, and that really all comes down to sex. To go down the surgical route seems to me to limit the wide range of sexual options I currently enjoy. I am a sexual person and anything that doesn’t work for sex can never work for me. Actually, the very thought of being queer makes me incredibly horny and that can only be good for those who have sex with me. So, E40, I will love you for ever for what you have done for me and I hope we can do this again in 2020. And I so loved the conversations we had in your flat, over cocktails in your local pub. I think of you as a sister and look forward to catching up in March.
It was also at Eroticon at I first had a longer conversation with Posy Churchgate. We had an instant connection and have cemented our bond of smutty sisterhood with two meetups in London where we have visited Sh! And the Vagina Museum. We have been to Cahoots and I have given Posy a glimpse of my vintage word. This means as much to me as the blogging world, not least because I enjoy the love and support of a lot of amazing women. And guess what? One or two of them are into BDSM so all my worlds intersect in one way or another. I love Posy as a sister, a kindred spirit I can talk to about anything. And she has been very supportive of my writing. This is important as I am plagued by self-doubt and I need reassurance. Posy gives me that. As does May More, who I must also mention. Between them they promote my blog far more than I do. I do need to do more myself next year. But thank you so much, May, for including me in your Top Twenty Four.
My blog has been going since 2012. It was very busy in its first year, but the frequency of posting dropped off in 2014, mainly because I returned to full time work and I had a fallow few years until 2018. Over the last 18 months I have made a real effort to post more often, and to participate in the various memes and to engage more with other bloggers.
I have covered a lot of ground in my blog. In the first two years I wrote a lot about sex workers’ rights, (this was the time when Rhoda Grant was trying to introduce the Nordic Model in Scotland) and, through doing so got to engage online with activists around the word. I am still a little amazed that Carol Leigh thought that I was someone worth adding on Facebook. This is a cause I don’t really write about much anymore as there are so many others better placed than me to say wat still needs to be said. It remains, however, a cause to which I have a deep personal commitment, and no SWERF can be a friend of mine.
Over time the emphasis switched to smut, both stories and personal reflection. It was only in 2019 that I understood what my writing means to me. I am in a constant search for the experience of female sexuality. I can never have what I seek (which is another reason for being sceptical about gender reassignment surgery) so I look for it in my writing. Writing, as much as reading, is a means of self-understanding, is a broadening of experience. I am the women I write about. But I have their orgasms alone, at my keyboard, I have their sex in my head. But that too can be beautiful. And I need it as much I need the actual lovers who get to share my bed. So, if you enjoy my blog you can be assured it will carry on. I enjoy it too much to give it up.
And then there was Smutathon. My big regret is that I didn’t get to join the main event in Montreal but I had a productive day, home alone, and am looking forward to Smutathon 2020 which we provisionally plan to hold in Scotland.
And looking forward to 2020 the first big event in my diary is Eroticon when I will make my debit as a speaker. I am excited about this but also a bit nervous. Other than that, I am hoping to get to have longer chats with May More and with Nineteen Syllables. Oh, and Mia More if you are going to be there, I need to talk to you. I missed you in 2018 and am still angry with myself about it. For you were the catalyst of the changes in my life and I doubt that you have any idea.