Identity

This post arises from the happy coincidence of two books I have been reading recently, books which, at first sight, don’t seem to have much in common. The first is Maya Angelou’s “See How The Caged Bird Sings.” We discussed it this morning at the monthly Birmingham Feminist Book Club. Part of a wide-ranging discussion revolved around literature as a means of self understanding, this arising from Angelou’s won discussion in her book of what reading the classics of English literature, and especially, Shakespeare, meant to her, and how she was able, by engaging with the texts, to make sense of her own experience.

This was a concept that was made real for me a couple of years ago when I was a volunteer buddy for a Community Interest Company that worked with adults experiencing mental health difficulties, in particular by encouraging them to read literature and sharing their experiences. To get a flavour of what they did I was invited to attend one of the meetings. We were reading Rose Tremain’s novel The Road Home. The group consisted of people of varying ages, many of whom lived in considerable isolation, an isolation made worse by anxiety and phobias. Some of them only left the house for the weekly meeting in a local library. Most of them had little experience of serious reading. From the discussion, however, it became clear that the book was opening doors for them and all of them were able to use the text to make sense of their own lives, at the same times bringing their won experiences to bear in interpreting the text. As they talked they gave me new insights into the book. This experience was both illuminating and humbling.

These experiences and thoughts are particularly relevant to the other book I have been reading. This is an anthology called Identity, whose contributors all attended the recent Eroticon conference. I have to declare an interest. I was one of the contributors. But that is now why I am writing about it. The content is pretty eclectic, some of it personal reminiscence, and painful reminiscence at that, some of it fantasy, some of it opinion, some of it seriously hot, you know, the stuff you read one handed.  And then there was Meg-John Barker’s piece on erotic fiction as means of self understanding which got me reflecting again on my own identity, or in this case my sexual identity and what it means to me. This short essay was in my head as I read the other pieces and enriched my reading experience.  This really is as a wonderful anthology and I can’t recommend it highly enough.

Erotic fiction has changed my life. I really don’t know why, one day in 2012, I felt the urge tio write a story about a carer in a elderly person’s home who has a relationship with a gay man whose carer he is. Other stories followed. I went online, I set up a Twitter account, I read voraciously, I discovered Eroticon and became part of a community. And a new Eve emerged, an Eve who is kinky, bisexual, who is proud to know sex workers she can call friends, an Eve committed to the freeest possible expression of human sexuality (subject to consent). In short an Eve I could not have imagined even existed only 6 years ago. It is through erotic literature that I have discovered what was previously latent, and been able to articulate it.

The main protagonist of my first story was Eric, an Oxford graduate who had been jailed for “gross indecency” in the dark days before 1967 and who experienced late sexual joy with a younger man. I killed him off at the end as the younger man had to move on and make his own way as a gay man in a different age, but acutely aware of the debt gay men, indeed all of us who are in some way not heteronormative, owe to those who suffered for daring to be different. I made sure, however, that Eric died happy, at peace with himself. I knew then that I owed him that. I know now that I owe him much more.

Cutting the Sage Derby

This story arose from a challenge I took on last week to write a short story involving cheese.

CUTTING THE SAGE DERBY

I was about to order when a man’s voice interjected

“Excuse me, I was next.”

I looked around startled and the only words I could find were to apologise.

“I’m sorry I…”

“No worries” he said.

He brushed past me as he went up to the counter, a little too firmly, I thought, to be entirely unintended. I watched him order a wide selection of cheeses, there was Jarlsberg, Roquefort, Gruyere, the stinking Alsatian Munster, Reblochon, Shropshire Blue, Sage Derby. Observing him I decided that he was about 15 years younger than me, trim. Bearded and well….he obviously didn’t eat that much cheese. A connoisseur definitely. He picked up his jute shopping bag, now bulging with cheese, took his plastic bag of cheese and smiled as he made to walk past me.

“You know your cheeses don’t you?” I observed in a conciliatory tone.

He smiled.

“Well yes. Actually I’m having a few friends round for cheese and wine tomorrow evening. Would you like to come?”

The following evening I walked the short distance to his house, two bottles of Gewurztraminer clanking in a plastic bag as I went.

“I’ve got a confession to make” he said as we clinked glasses and looked at the cheese laid out on the table. “I said I was having a few friends round. In fact there’s only going to be us.”

“And your friends?”

“I kind of uninvited them.”

He smiled.

“And if I hadn’t come?”

“That was a risk it was well worth taking.”

He took the wine glass out of my hand and placed it on the table.

We kissed. I buried my face in his luxuriant facial hair, pushed back against him, forcing my tongue in deep. After a while he struggled free and said

“We really can’t let this cheese go to waste can we?”

On the table he had laid out the cheeses on wooden boards. He took a piece of Sage Derby and with the knife carved it into a green veined cock. I dropped my skirt and took up handfuls of the soft goats cheese and smothered my mound in it. He knelt before me, licking it off eagerly before tonguing my swollen clit. He moved down to nibble gently, teasingly at my labia before sliding the Sage Derby dildo into my rapidly dilating pussy. Slowly, cautiously at first, then gradually picking up

the tempo, he slid it in and out. He pulled it out, and offered it to me. I sucked, gently, felt the cheese soften in my mouth, gently tongue whipped the end, then bit off a chunk, swallowed it with my sour juices as I did so. .

I took a piece of Gruyere from the board, placed two fingers in the largest hole and rubbed gently to widen it. I slipped it over his cock and moved it backwards and forwards. As his prick hardened and swelled, the cheese broke and I caught the pieces in my hand, put them in my mouth, chewing slowly before dragging him forward and placing my mouth over his, passing the cheese from mouth to mouth. With a violence that caught me by surprise he pushed me back onto the table. I felt a Camembert squeezed under my back, its ripening softness gushing from the crust. Biscuits fragmented under my buttocks as he forced my legs apart and climbed on top to fuck me, slow and hard, slow and hard, then gathering in speed and intensity as he moved in and out until the orgasm ripped through me and I could see nothing but green veins of ecstasy pulsing through me, to every corner of my body like the sage spreading through a Derby cheese.

As he withdrew he sent come spilling onto a piece of Reblochon. I licked greedily and ate.

“I presume you’ve planned dessert?” I asked.

 

Eroticon 2014 – a fantasy

I was feeling the drop even before I boarded my train.  I watched the crowds thronging around Temple Meads station and reflected that I was no longer in the bubble of lovely sex-positive and open minded people where I had spent the last two days. Here were people who would not understand, not share my passions, my longings. I was sad even on this sunny spring afternoon.

On the Cross Country train I opened one of the books I had bought and began to read a hot BDSM novel. As the train pulled out and I became engrossed in the story I felt myself becoming wet. I fingered the wooden stick embossed with the logo of Renee Rose writer of erotic romances and realise that I had missed out on being spanked with it. I was new to kink but the conversations I had had at the conference, above all at the party, had made me yearn for more. At times it seemed that everyone there was kinky and this made me think. Is there anything truly erotic that doesn’t involve some kink, some drawing on the erotic treasure house of BDSM? I ran the wood through my fingers, and fell into a reverie of spanking…..

At this point I was aware of the woman sitting next to me. She was about my age, a short haired brunette with a pleasant friendly face. She smiled and engaged me in conversation.

“Where have you been this weekend?”

“At a writers’ conference” I proffered,  not sure how open I could be,

“With books like that?” she asked smiling again.

“Well yes” I said.

“And that?” She pointed to the wooden paddle.

“That’s from a well known writer of the genre. A little memento.”

“I’m Vicky” she said before lowering her voice and leaning over to whisper in my ear “I’m a domme”

“I’m Eve and well, I’m not sure what I am.”

“It’s not what you are…..it’s what you can be, what you want to be. Maybe you too want to be the Perfect Submissive.” She ran a finger over the cover of my book.

I felt myself blushing. It was true that I felt submissive urges. I thought of my first visit to a play party with my kinky partner, how I had been persuaded to mount the whipping bench and submit to a spanking by the house mistress Lady Blue. A hand spanking had warmed me up before I received the paddle, a couple of floggers and finally six strokes of the cane. I bit into the leather, writhing and moaned. It hurt, it stung but I was left wanting more as Lady Blue decided that this newbie had probably had enough and gently undid the straps and lifted me up. She held me close for a moment and I felt arousal at the closeness to this PVC clad and thigh booted woman.

“You’ve been very brave” she said and planted a tender kiss on my cheek. “I hope we can play again.”

That night I couldn’t sleep. I kept thinking about the dominatrix, imperious in her domain , felt the residual tenderness of my buttocks. I had written stories about femdom about how ecstasy could be achieved through agony, about the pleasure of pain without ever being convinced about it. I held Lady Blue before me as I lay there, I thought of her face, pleasant if not especially pretty but her clothes, the gleaming black dress, the boots I had seem others kneel to kiss. I reached down and began to finger my clit before sliding down to feel the juices of arousal that were beginning to flow. Perhaps it was wrong to masturbate to a Mistress I thought but still……I could always confess next time…..

“I love that paddle” said Vicky, suddenly bringing me back to the balmy March Sunday evening on the train. “I enjoy hitting people, I love administering canings. I bet you would love a spanking. I see the sub in you Eve.”

I said nothing but was now very aroused. My buttocks were itching. I wanted the sting I wanted it more than anything. Not even a good fuck could satisfy me at this moment.

“You can read me like a book” I said “Is it that obvious?”

“Well, let’s just say, when you’re as experienced in domination as I am, you get to learn to read people.”

I fingered the paddle again. Suddenly she grabbed it from me.

“I’m going to the loo…come in a minute . If the coast’s clear knock twice and I’ll open up,’

I stood outside the door of the toilet and waited until another passenger had gone past. I knocked    twice and with a whirr the electric door slid open. Vicky pulled me on and after an interminable few seconds as the door whirred shut again and locked she said briskly.

“Eve take down your skirt and knickers down. “

I hesitated.

“I have ordered you to take your skirt down. I expect you to do it.”

“Yes Mistress” I said and complied.

I bent over and she said

“Kiss it”

The words “Renee Rose author of erotic romance” melted into a blur as she moved it to my mouth and I began to kiss longingly and lovingly.

Then she moved away and said.

“We have limited time so I will give you twelve strokes.”

I heard the swish through the air before it landed for the first time and sent waves of pain pulsing through me. I cried out and felt my body jolt. I breathed heavily before the second blow landed, this time on the right buttock.    I clenched my buttocks steeling myself for the next blow which didn’t come. I relaxed and felt a shock coursing through me like electric current as she tricked me and caught me off guard.

“Ha!” she laughed triumphantly, “you weren’t expecting that.”

And she carried on hitting me, alternating buttocks , striking hard and with remorseless accuracy.

“Twelve” she said and again held the paddle for me to kiss.

“Thank you Mistress” I said and began again to breathe heavily. I suddenly became aware of how much I had been sweating.

I felt Vicky come up close behind me and hold me. From her hand bag she pulled out a pair of latex gloves and slapped them on. She moved a finger underneath me, began to probe the opening of my anus.

“play with yourself” she said and I began to finger my clit as she probed my anus with her index finger. I gasped as I felt it move deeper in, relaxed my muscles and surrendered to the sweet violation.

“You’re not to come till I say.”

She continued her exploration and I began to massage my clit again. I was very wet, I was desperate for her, wanted to kiss her, kneel before her and worship her…but she remained behind me teasing me with the index finger of her left hand that was moving up my back passage. I gasped I moaned and said

“Please let me come, please”

“No” she said and then said briskly

“Put your clothes back on” I think there are people outside.”

She handed me a card with her number on it and left the toilet with instructions that I was not to follow her for two minutes.

When I got back to my seat there was no sign of her. I was feeling agonies of frustration even as the burning on my bottom began to subside. I picked up the book and carried on reading. Maybe the perfect submissive had to live with denial I thought as I engrossed myself in the tale of Jess.  Maybe I would ring Vicky…….

But I had no time to think further, The train was already speeding through the Birmingham suburbs. I would soon be home, soon lying in my bed where I would come. As I dragged my wheeled suitcase to the taxi rank at New Street station I knew that the last two days had changed my life. I had stories to write, spankings to enjoy…….

Meeting the Girl

My first ever client left, shutting the hotel bedroom door quietly behind him. I was now a whore, a proper whore! I held the sheaf of banknotes in my hand, smelt it, fanned myself with it, enjoying the soft breeze it made on a sultry summer evening. I wrote WHORE in lipstick on the dressing table mirror and took up position before it so that the word appeared to be on my forehead. I took a selfie with my phone. It had to be. It was. I WAS a whore.

I had never intended to have sex for money, it just sort of happened that way. I was a writer of smut who started blogging and was dragged into the various debates on sex workers’ rights. I started blogging on the issues and began to hear, not least from friends, the question:

‘What do you know about it?’

What did I know? Mainly what my online friends told me, that’s what. But, in reality, I knew nothing. I was accused of glamourising the exploitation of women, told I was on an ego trip at the expense of the vulnerable. Finally someone I had thought of as a friend fixed me with a look of almost hatred and hissed,

‘How would you like a stranger’s prick up you?’

Well, I had now had one and, if the Earth didn’t exactly move for me, it hadn’t been unpleasant either and I didn’t feel violated as apparently I should. More to the point I had £200 I could find a good use for.

My twitter friends had been generous with advice and help, particularly a woman called Delilah who was particularly prominent in defence of sex workers. I quickly set up an internet profile booked a hotel room and soon had three clients. The first had gone. The second was due in just over half an hour. I showered, redid my make-up and was ready when there was a knock on the door.

I opened it and was amazed to see a woman in a black coat and boots walk in. She let it drop to the floor and I beheld a stunning brunette of I guess 35 in a leopard print negligee.

‘I’m Delilah’ she said. ‘I’ve been dying to meet you. I thought you could maybe use a bit of mentoring.’ She smiled.

I stood there speechless. For six months I had chatted with Delilah every day, safe behind the cloak of anonymity. We had talked about sex until I positively salivated at the idea of sex with her even though I had never thought of myself as bi. She had given me advice about doing it for money, she had been my best friend even though we had never met and I had never imagined that we ever would. Now she stood in front of me. I stood speechless for a few moments then blurted out

‘But I was expecting Derek..’

‘My husband made the call. I wasn’t sure how you would react.’

She smiled again and said

‘You have to be prepared the initiative you know. Lots of clients are vert nerbou. Like me for example.’

She laughed a loud throaty laugh and waited as I continued to stand there looking gormless. Then I went up to her and grabbed her, pulling her close and pushing my tongue deep into her mouth. She made no attempt to resist as I gripped the back of her head and forced my tongue in deeper and deeper.

‘I’ve been in love with your mind for ages,’ I said, ‘Now let me love your body.’

She let the negligee float gently to the floor and stood there, and all I could see were the gleaming boots and the shaven cunt which I fell to my knees to smell and lick. She was clean, smelt of bath oils and lavender, but a powerful note of arousal was coming through, a wondrous meshing of aromas like that of the fine wines I treated myself to at Christmas. My Christmas had come early, a feast of sex with a woman I had never before met, but worshipped and adored.

We rolled onto the bed and I began to kiss her breast, taking the nipples between my lips to squeeze just as she began to moan. My hand moved quickly down to explore the cunt that was open wide enough for me to get three, then four, fingers in. She was wet, wetter than I had ever known a woman before, a fountain spilling arousal into a lake of desire.

I moved my four fingers in and out, slowly at first but then with increasing vigour, as she began to moan. I played with the other nipple, twisted it to hurt her, to give her the searing pain that magnifies the pleasure. I buried my face in the soft heaving mounds of delight. She was soft, pliant and beautiful. I wanted to say something silly and totally unsuitable but before I could I felt a finger home on in my clit. No fumbling, no inept searching, suddenly she was there and began to rub me, slowly, taking the pace out of the encounter, easing the frenzy.

‘Let’s take our time’ said Delilah. ‘I’m booked in, we’ve got all night.’

‘God I’ve wanted this so much. I’ve been sort of in love with you. It’s silly isn’t it?’

‘Why? What’s not to love about me?’

She smiled and increased the tempo of her rubbing.

As I began to moan she asked,

‘How was it the first time for money?’

‘So so. The man was quite pleasant, on the small side, uncircumcised, but well, it’s not the size of the wand is it? It was Ok. I didn’t come but that’s not the point is it?’

‘Client number two will make you come.’

She rolled over, rummaged in her bag and took out a harness and dildo.

‘Ever seen one of these?’

‘I’ve heard about them but..’

Delilah put the harness on and strapped on the long fat dildo.

‘And now you filthy little slut I’m going to give you the best fuck of your life.’

She came towards me, kneeled over me and looked suddenly serious.

‘You’re a dirty little slut, playing the whore. Who do you think you are?’

I froze. This wasn’t part of the scenario I had had in mind.

‘Answer me!’ she demanded and slapped me across the face.

‘I’m a whore, a filthy dirty whore’ I said slowly thinking that this was what she wanted to hear.

Then she spat in my face and as I tried to wipe it off she grabbed my wrists and held them down and came down on me, sliding the dildo in. She smiled,

‘I can dominate too, some of the men love that.’

I smiled back and she said

‘Open your mouth.’

As I held my mouth wide open I saw a thin string of spittle form in her lips which hung and stretched, finally broke and dropped into my mouth.

‘Swallow’ she ordered.

She began to pump, slowly at first. She made me hook my knees over her shoulders and I felt the dildo go entirely in, a deep deep penetration. She pumped faster and I began to work against her and she used her strength to subdue me and conquer me. I began to see bright colours exploding over her shoulder, the tattoo on her left shoulder fractured into kaleidoscopes of colour. She pumped and pumped. I came with a scream and she carried on, forcing me down, breaking me with her animal need to make me submit. Everything became a whirl of her wild long hair, her tattoos, the hot slightly stale breath, all of which expressed her animality. For all my silly talk this wasn’t love, this was lust, sex for the sake of sex and fuck the moralists and their beauty of sex. Sex isn’t beautiful this way, it’s raw and ugly, it smells, it hurts and I know now I can never get enough of it. She was thrusting away like someone demented, I pushed back against her, pushed back hard and my cunt was now so wide open and so wet that the dildo started to slide out. The sheet was soaked. She grabbed my wrists again with sudden violence and pushed me down with a look of a woman about to explode with hatred of me who was trying to deny her conquest. She wanted to hurt me even as I came and orgasms ripped through my body, orgasm after orgasm as she pumped and pumped, seemingly inexhaustible. I had had enough. I begged her to stop. I cried big tears. She slapped my face and said coldly,

‘Shut up whore. You’re only here to be fucked.’

I was at breaking point and Delilah must have sensed that because she withdrew and we lay together panting on the soaked bed.

‘I knew you were filthy as soon as we started tweeting. And you’ve not disappointed.’

She smiled and ran her fingers through my hair before reaching for her phone to tweet,

‘Tweetup in Birmingham with Elizabeth. She is nicer than even I imagined’

Delilah carefully removed the condom from the dildo and wiped it with a tissue. She leaned over came down and kissed me. I said nothing. I thought I was sexually experienced but this had blown me away. This, surely, was part of my whoring education. Learning from a Mistress of her craft.

‘There’s one thing you forgot to do’ she said. ‘Always take the money at the start and count it.’

‘Well ‘I said ‘that will be two hundred pounds.’

‘I haven’t actually got any money with me but I am booked into the hotel for tonight, Room 314.’

She flashed the key card at me.

‘I’ve got a couple of bottles of wine in, we’ve got all night. This was just a taster. An amuse-bouche as the French say. The banquet begins as soon as your last client leaves. This is a night you will never forget.’

Getting Even

I knew I was in trouble even before I knocked on Mistress’s front door. It was shortly after eleven o’clock that I received a text message from her, written in capitals so that there could be no doubt about her feelings.

YOU WILL ATTEND MY CHAMBERS AT TWO O’CLOCK TODAY WITHOUT FAIL. NO EXCUSES WILL BE ACCEPTED. MISTRESS

This was poor timing on Mistress’ part, if I may be so impertinent as to say such a thing, since at two o’clock I was due to chair a meeting of the Project Board for the large construction project my firm was working on.  However I knew that the command of my Mistress was a sacred law and must be obeyed. So I pretended I had a splitting headache and was feeling sick and left work at twelve to drive to the chambers.

I was dressed in my suit and feeling a little like a debt collector when, my heart thumping, I knocked on the door. It was the stroke of two o’clock when the door swung open. In the usual way Mistress was not to be seen. I walked nervously into the hallway. Before I could look round I had been pushed hard into the wall and as I turned to face Mistress I saw her dressed in a leather catsuit with stilettos , her hair scraped severely back and tied into a ponytail. She looked magnificent and furious.

She came up close and spat in my face saying

‘You worthless piece of shit! You piece of filth!’

I made to wipe away the spittle from my face but she grabbed my wrist and forced my arm back down by my side.

‘Don’t even think of wiping your face!’

With her face contorted by rage she spat at me again and  slapped me hard across the check. I had never seen her like this before and I was afraid.

‘Take your clothes off’ she ordered ‘and place them in a neat pile on that chair. Then kneel facing the wall with your hands on your head.’

Mistress walked into the lounge leaving me on my own. I hurried to comply with her order , anxious that she should not become even angrier. Naked, and feeling very vulnerable, I knelt and waited for Mistress to return.

She came back, shutting the lounge door firmly and decisively. She said nothing but walked backward and forward on the parquet floor, deliberately letting her heels click so as to increase the tension and my anxiety. I was very anxious, my bottom exposed, my penis hanging limply down, seeming to invite torture. I was going to suffer. Mistress surely had some implement or other in her hand to inflict pain. Just as the tension was becoming unbearable Mistress commanded me:

‘Turn round on your knees to face me. Do not look at me, keep your head bowed.’

I longed to raise my head and look Mistress in the face, she was a beautiful woman but I knew what punishment awaited me if I did. I focused instead on her Louboutin shoes and the space of floor between us where I was surely about to grovel.

‘Place both hands on the floor, palms down’ she commanded and I did as I was told.  Before I could react she came forward to stand on the hands before rocking forward onto the balls of her feet and rocking back so that the spiked heels dug into my hands with the full weight of Mistress’ body bearing down on them. I cried out in pain but Mistress laughed.

‘You’re a wimp. What are you?’

‘A wimp Mistress’ I whispered.

‘A  big girl’s blouse.’

‘I’m a big girl’s blouse Mistress’ I responded without waiting for the prompt.

Mistress Doom stepped off my hands and stood with the toes of the shoes just touching my outstretched fingers as I knelt before her.

‘Lean forward you worm and worship my shoes and as you do, look at them very carefully.’

I leant forward and even before I began to lick the right shoe, which Mistress had proffered,  I could see a scratch and a scuff mark on the leather.

‘What do you see?’ asked Mistress.

‘I see a scratch and scuff marks Mistress’ I said.

‘Yes you certainly do,’ continued Mistress, ‘and where do you think they came from?’

‘I don’t know Mistress’ I began to reply but Mistress placed the toe of one shoe under my chin and lifted my head up so that I looked her in the face.’

‘Yes you do. They come from your miserable attempts to clean them in your last session.’

She took my suit from the chair and threw it on the floor. She walked all over it digging in the heels and twisting them to make holes in the jacket.

‘Please Mistress, no!’

‘Shut up. You ruined my things. I’m ruining yours. That seems fair enough to me’

She walked across the hallway dragging my jacket underneath the heels. She dug the stilettos into the material and had soon separated the jacket into two halves. She did not let up and had soon torn my expensive jacket into four pieces.

She threw my shirt onto the floor and had soon shredded that too.

She picked up a piece of what had been my jacket and said

‘Wank all over that.’

I held it in my right hand and began to work the tip of my cock with my thumb.

‘Faster’ she shouted and pushed her shoe into my face. I could feel the small pieces of grit on the red soles and licked as she commanded me.

She thrust the heel into my mouth and commanded

‘Suck the heel like you would a cock.’

My fingers were sweaty, the precome that was dribbling out made my cock slippery and my thumb slid inside the foreskin making my wanking uncomfortable, I dried my thumb on my face and tried again.

‘I said wank. Do it properly. I’ve got another slave coming at three so you’d better hurry up. Wank I said!’

It was fear that made me knead the tip of my cock more and more vigorously. I wanted to take my punishment and go. This time I came quickly and held the cloth over my cock as the creamy come spurted out. I pulled the foreskin back and moved my hand back and forth, squeezing the come out as I did so. Then I let my hand drop. I was exhausted.

I held the cloth fragment up to Mistress and bowed my head.

‘Rub it round your face.’

I imagined washing myself with a flannel, and rubbed the come over my cheeks, my forehead around my chin and neck. I felt it become sticky, smelt its powerful aroma. I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror where I was usually brought to see myself as a maid. Now I was a naked, broken man, sweaty, dirty and stinking of come.

‘Now get out of my sight.’

I made for the door, not daring to look back.

‘Your underpants.’

I looked at Mistress. She held them up, looked at them and commented with a smile

‘Skidmarks. A big boy like you can’t even wipe his bottom properly.’

I went red and pulled on the soiled underwear. She handed me my wallet and keys.

‘I won’t keep your car keys. What would I do with a cheap and nasty car like yours?’

It wasn’t a cold day, I was glad of that, even more glad that I had my  car close by. I made its safety without being seen and sat there in a daze trying to reconstruct this most unexpected afternoon. I put my hand down my underpants and masturbated to Mistress. As the come flowed out over my hand I smiled. I was so happy to be her slave and knew that the list of things I would not endure for her was getting shorter each time.

The Bonds of Submission

THE BONDS OF SUBMISSION

BY EVE RAY

When I returned home from the funeral I sat and wept.  Just a month earlier I had knelt before Mistress Helga and worshipped. She was already gaunt and barely had the strength to wield the whip. Her cancer had returned and she knew her time was short. I had been to see her the day before she died, had held her hand, kissed it tenderly as I knelt at the bedside. I said quietly,

‘I worship and adore you Mistress.’

‘You need further discipline but that must wait for the next life’ .

She smiled weakly and squeezed my hand.

I left hurriedly fighting back the tears.

Then I heard the news I had been dreading.

Mistress Helga went out in style, a pagan funeral and woodland burial. Her coffin was shiny black and she was dressed for burial in leather with her favourite whip.  She was made up and her finger- and toenails were painted jet black by another devoted slave. We queued up to prostrate ourselves before the coffin and say our last humble farewells.

Mistress had given me a pair of her boots as a parting gift. I took them out of the cupboard, wiped them with a cloth to remove the specks of dust.  I had too a pair of her panties in blood red silk, unwashed since she had worn them. I undressed and rubbed them round my face before putting them on and feeling the soft silk against my clit.

I placed the boots in the middle of the floor and left the room. I knocked, walked in head bowed and curtseyed to the boots. I knelt and approached on my knees feeling the hard wood of the parquet floor dig in. This pain was my gift to her who could no longer inflict pain on me.

I began to kiss the boots, to lick the soles, taking the heels in my mouth, imaging sucking and enormous cock, imagining myself as the whore Mistress said I should be. I writhed on the floor and began to play with myself using the left hand as I held the boot in the right, sucking the heel, then licking my way up the shaft wetting the boots just as I was becoming wet. I pressed the stilettos heels into my breast until the pain was too much. I was now highly aroused, playing with myself more and more vigorously as I arched my back and parted my legs as if to be fucked by the spirit of Mistress Helga.

After I came I lay on the sofa and slept. I dreamt of my late Mistress, dreamt of the occasion when I  confessed to  picking up a stranger and being fucked in the lift of a car park, how she ordered me never to come without permission and how she took the cat and flayed me till I begged for mercy before…………………

I woke up in the small hours but didn’t really want to. The boots were on the floor, I still had the red panties on, they were soaking wet and my animal smells were mixed with hers for ever. As I sat up I felt a burning sensation and winced. In the mirror I saw the angry red lines on my bottom. I had been given a flogging. I was in agony. I saw too that the word SLUT had been written in lipstick across my forehead.

I knew I had to visit the wood. In her boots and panties the only things I had on underneath a grey trench coat I sat and talked to her, making my confession. It rained, the wind howled and branches cracked and fell from the trees. I stayed on through the storm. I had to. Her soul was inside me, I would always be hers. The bonds of submission were too strong to be broken, even  by death.