I am enjoying the thing of beauty that is unrequited love. This is all new for me, it is exciting and it makes me happy. Actually I don’t love Rebecca. I don’t really know her well enough for that to make sense. I adore her although I hardly know her. We cross paths maybe half a dozen times a year through the Fet scene. We don’t have long conversations, but the ones we have are deep. We have a connection, but one that is some way short of friendship. And I am happy with that. Because distance is essential for the beautiful thing I have.
Rebecca is a lot younger than me, 29 to my 57. She is beautiful, creative, and fiercely clever. Early on, I had the feeling that she had found a window to my soul. Some months ago, I realised, and was a little startled to realise that I had a big crush on her. What this crush was and what it meant, took a while to process. I talked it over with her and she was very comfortable with the idea. In fact, she loved the idea. In part this must be because everyone wants to be adored but to be adored by someone you know who is bot looking for sex with you or a relationship, or even to be part of your life in any way beyond casual acquaintance is not, something, I guess, many people get to experience.
My adoration of Rebecca is not sexual although it is undeniably fuelled by my sexual energy. This is an important distinction and not one that everyone will understand. Rebecca does. She knows what this is and what it isn’t. It is intellectual, spiritual even, She once recited a favourite poem to me and I was blown away by her power and emotional intensity.
I didn’t know that she loves poetry but that is brilliant because I had decided to give her a poem every time I saw her (and a couple of these have been posted on this blog). This is given me an unexpected benefit. The act of writing for her has released a major creative blockage and allowed me, after many years, allowed me to finish a number of poems on non sex related themes that I had been struggling with. So I do get something in return for my devotion. I get inspiration. I get my creative spark kindled. Rebecca is my muse. And every writer needs a muse.
A post for Wicked Wednesday. Check out the others by clicking on the image below.