Being chronically disorganised sometimes helps. As so often happens I was late making a doctor’s appointment to get my anti-depressants represcribed. So, for the last few days of April I had to go without. I experienced a few weird days. I drank too much at first as if seeking solace I other ways. I had strange and disturbing dreams, slept during the day , drained of energy. Then I got back to running, took myself in hand, reduced my alcohol intake, and suddenly, one day woke up horny, horny as fuck. As the alarm went I reached, not for my phone, but for a vibrator.
I pleasured myself and came with that intensity that has you looking down a psychedelic kaleidoscope, explosions of colour in my head through as the waves of pleasure hit, fierce waves flagellating a rock. I came again in the shower, once more as I smoked a cigarette on the back step and played my favourite prison fantasy in my head.
Later that day I texted an occasional male sexual partner to arrange to see him, the sooner the better but actually it was not really about him or anybody else. This was about me. I had struggled with the 30 day orgasm challenge and yes I know we are all urged not to set the bar too high, not to punish ourselves if we can’t.
I couldn’t and I felt a failure. And now, a few unplanned days off the meds, I couldn’t stop. And I felt so good, with my daily doses of endorphins. The orgasm challenge ended so well for me. I feel good about myself, I have learnt more about my body, my mind, and how they fit together.
And now the question. Do I actually need medication? Do I need that appointment? Or are the keys to mental health that enticing combination of my imagination and the knowledge acquired over four decades of how my body works?