With just eight days to go I am wearying of this but I will carry on. Even on the days when I fall into bed at 11, set the alarm for 5, too tired to read for a few minutes, I will keep going. I have actually missed a couple of days but drag myself back. The problem has been my inability to orgasm. But when I should maybe take a step back I keep forcing myself. And keep feeling a failure.
I know I should practise self-care and be kind to myself but this is difficult. I said at the outset that I would not judge myself harshly and set myself impossible standards. But I have. The force to drive myself is often stronger than the wish to care for myself. I just can’t stop driving myself at times. the And there are so many times when I can feel the orgasm rise up and begun to surge to its conclusion only to stop and resist any attempts, with fingers, with toys, with a partner’s willing mouth, to coax it back into life. And I am left with a feeling of pleasant frustration. But occasionally the orgasm is too powerful to brook resistance and explodes through me. This makes it all worthwhile.
The best times have been when I was completely relaxed, at home in bed after a scented bath, in a curry house loo between courses, times when I felt beautiful and loved, times when I was just so comfortable in my skin, that the enjoyment of my body as a natural extension of my positive state of mind.
Yet April has been tough for me mental health wise and the demons always seem to lurk. I have had a number of panic attacks, and anxiety episodes. On occasions all the behaviours I learnt from CBT therapists to counteract the onset of attacks flies out of the window. I end up a weeping exhausted mess and my body is not something to enjoy but rather something to loathe..
But I am always able to remember that the following day is another, hopefully better, day and though I sometimes wake up late, still exhausted, I reach for my toys , and when I do come I wallow in the loveliness of it all and experience joy. And when, sated, I put down the toys, I experience waves of love, love to give to my friends, my partners past and present,to the people that “get” me. Because you give me the strength to go on.
For the final week I will do my best to revert to the positive frame of mind I had in the first week. Not push myself but know that if I do come them someone somewhere, maybe someone I know and love is coming too. And that creates the sweetest bonds. And that is a wonderful thing I have discovered about sex: that it can bring us close to people with whom we will probably never have a sexual relationship.
I am finishing on a positive note and writing this has been unexpectedly therapeutic. And yes I am looking forward 8 more days of orgasm fun.