First there was Stephanie, a lover long before I began my gender journey. We had amazing sex in cheap hotels, seedy hotels, cars , fields, a gay cruising spot in the woods where the sight of her moving up and down on my rock hard cock attracted more than passing interest. We even managed it on a platform at Birmingham New Street railway station. Then the passion died and we began a long and loving friendship, spiced up with occasional sex. When I began my transition, she walked with me every step of the way, always ready with advice, support, a shoulder to cry on. I struggle to think how he could have been more loving. And I will love her to the end of my days.
But sex with Steph is now a thing of the past. She engages with me as a woman, relates tom me in every way as a woman, and this means, for her, no sex. She is straight and women just don’t do it for her in that way. So I had to take a knock back from a woman who has never really said no to me , who loves me so much, and yet. This was hard but I know I have to respect her decision, not do the hurt and wounded pride thing ( not so easy when you grew up in male paradigms of sexual entitlement) and then……learn to love her more. And I do and I am finding the most incredible buzz from friendship. I have sublimated my desire for her (which will never go away) into a deeper emotional investment in our friendship. I am turning physical desire into love and love is paying me back unexpectedly, with the most wonderful physical sensations. I don’t know if I could call these orgasms but I feel that I am engaging sexually with her without her needing to engage with me. This is a kind of asymmetrical relationship and it is quite beautiful.
Then there is Zoe, a friend with whom I quickly found a connection. We expressed our feelings very physically too, we hugged, kissed, held hands, declared our love for each other. Then the time came when I had to broach the subject. In a bar after a couple of beers when the conversation had naturally turned to sex and she was telling me about an interesting proposition she had.
“I could seriously do things to him” she said.
“Could you do things to me?” I ventured.
“Sorry Eve. I love you but not that way.” She took my hand in hers, raised it to her mouth and kissed it tenderly.
“You’re not hurt?” she asked.
“No” I said “and I know I will keep on loving you. I will always love you whatever.”
“And I will always love you.”
I kissed her on the lips, kissed her hands, stood up to hug her. I began to cry big warm tears, tears of joy.
Zoe remains one of my closest, most loving friends. We still kiss, we hold hands, once we even sat on her sofa chatting and drinking wine with our legs intertwined. This physical closeness I found difficult at one point but then I decided that the agony of restraint implied by respecting her decision in an adult and loving way , was a gift I could offer up to her. Like Stephanie, her saying no has led to an emotional intensification of our relationship, to the point where I get off on the friendship itself.
I had never really considered the possibility of such asymmetrical, yet loving and nurturing relationships before. And I no longer see them as second best. I began to understood too how the asexual can be located firmly in the middle of the sexual, or how chastity can give sexual kicks. I understand too how my sexuality is so deeply rooted in the core of my being that I can express it ways that don’t actually require the engagement of genitals, either mine or that of other people.
Having said that, there are nights when I take out my vibrator and hold Steph or Zoe before me them before me as I pleasure myself. Some might call this objectification; I call it an act of love. More than that, it is an act of worship. For that is sometimes part of friendship too.